How's that for a loaded title? REAL MEN. Visions of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and the Marlboro Man come immediately to mind. But don't let the imagery fool you, or the graphics, they are more tongue in cheek than they are my fantasy guy. I'm not looking for a gunslinger or someone with a 2 pack-a-day habit. And I'm not looking for a guy who "smells of horses and leather and hay". Yuck, put on some Givenchy will you? No, that isn't what I envision when I think Real Man.

Here is what I do think. Dr. Phil McGraw, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Sting. Men who understand what it means to be the man. Family men. Men whose wives and girlfriends are glowing! (no not from the millions of dollars he's making, although it sure doesn't hurt too bad I'll bet! ;-) Men who know that success as a man is measured not by how many hours he  spent at the office, but by how happy, how well loved and how respected his wife or girlfriend feels.

Dr. Phil has stated that men are protectors and providers. But not just providers of material things, they are providers of love &  emotional support, providers of comfort and safety. They are a soft place to fall when you can't take the stress, the pain, the sorrow any longer. A Real Man says "relax, I got it."

A Real Man is someone you respect because you know he has integrity, values and moral fiber. A Real Man is someone you look up to and admire because he takes his responsibilities  seriously. You can count on him because you are his priority. He would never let you down if he can help it. And a Real Man is not afraid of intimacy. He wants to know you and allows you to know him, truly, madly, deeply.

Okay so now I know why I'm not remarried at this juncture. Not because these guys don't exist, but because some smart woman has scooped him up and is never letting him go. I'll never forget when Phil McGraw said on his show that he knew he would be successful as a man and husband if his wife Robin could walk into a room full of people and know that there wasn't one woman there who was treated better than her by their husband. Wow. That's good stuff. Unfortunately it's mostly us women watching Phil instead of the prospective husbands and boyfriends. Just so that we'll be sure of what we're missing.

I've started a list of what a Real Man should possess. Sort of like a cheat sheet for prospective dates. You know, to help them out.  So here goes. My Real Man will:

To get the full effect while reading my list click the note ;-)

Have a successful career because he respects himself too much to sit outside the Stop n Shop with a cardboard sign that says" Will work for food". NOT because I'm a materialistic bitch! Jerk!

Ask me to dance whenever a slow song plays. I don't care if we're not at a wedding or a restaurant. I want to slow dance with him in the kitchen, in a parking lot or aisle 9 at Wal Mart. 

Always do the driving. That's just the way I am. The man drives. Safely. Because he doesn't want to kill me or send me into cardiac arrhythmia.

Open doors, pull out my chair, stand when I enter or leave a room, or when I get up from or come back to the table for that matter.  Old fashioned, yes. (That's it. Just yes. No excuses, no apologies.)

Let me change his hair, clothes, cologne, shoes, furniture, car & his dog's name. Hey! In return every woman will be pea green with envy because I'm with such a great smelling, sharp dressing guy with a fabulous apartment. His buddies will be jealous because he has a cool car while they're tooling around in a mini van. What? What about the dog? Well the poor thing is probably going through life with a stupid name like Buddy or Spike anyway. The dog will be happy, I'll be happy and well, that should make him happy.

Hold out his arm for me to take when we walk. He also knows that he walks on the outside of the street. He reaches out a hand to help me safely exit the car, get on an escalator, walking down a steep hill, up a steep incline and picks me up out of the street when I fall over trying to walk in those ridiculously high heels because they make me look sexier and thinner.

Keep the radio in his car tuned to the station I listen to. It's the least he can do since I picked out such a fabulous car for him!

Call me when he said he would. Show up when he said would. He is dependable. He is familiar with the basic operations of a phone and motor vehicle.

Take initiative. Planning marvelous, creative dates for us all on his own. He will ask what I like to do of course so he can plan accordingly, but other than that he can make reservations by himself or cook a meal on his own. Find out what time a movie is playing or how to get to the Renaissance Fair. He is capable. See? Once again the phone and vehicle skills will come in handy!

NEVER EVER, EVER NEVER yell in my face or call me names so horrendous that he can never make it up to me. EVER. Even if he crazy glues his mouth shut and signs an affidavit in blood stating that he will never utter a hurtful word again as long as he lives. Not even if he promises to clean the litter box for all eternity.

  Always pay for dates.  Always. And if I offer to pay, don't ever let me. You'll never see me again. Not because I'm cheap, but because you just failed a major test. This is the test in case you always wondered: A man puts his money where his heart is. If you won't, it's because it's not.

Remember to put the seat down. Why? Because he doesn't want to have to kiss my ass after I've fallen into the toilet!

Find a way to sit through an entire movie without picking up the remote to channel surf, causing me to miss huge chunks of said movie. White knuckle it if you have to. Meditate. Breath deeply. Have a cocktail. Take a Quaalude.

Remember the romance. Flowers, chocolates, love letters, diamonds. Make sure we have a song. Oh and special cutesy pet names for each other, like maybe peas & carrots or sugar lips & baby bear. Something totally emasculating that I can call you when you're buddies are over watching the game and getting bean dip on the new carpet I picked out for you.

Well that's a start. If you have any ideas that you think should be on the list, e mail me. If I like them, I'll add them and give you credit. And guys, no sarcastic crap about what a Real Woman should do for you. If you want equal time, get a web site.

Graphics are by me